My doctor said I’d need to lose about 25 pounds.
So I checked those tables I found on the internet and learned that I’m not necessarily overweight, I’m just 5 inches too short.
Sadly, it doesn’t appear that my stature is likely to change, although I can swear I’m shorter than I was last year.
So I sought other options.
Like trying those weight-loss injections. The ones they advertise on TV.
Regrettably, they also come with side effects.
Like problems breathing, for example.
As well as severe rash, fainting, rapid heartbeat, fever, inflammation of the pancreas, kidney problems, gall bladder problems, hypoglycemia, changes in vision, depression, allergic reactions, hair loss, nausea, dehydration and stomach pain.
Also death.
Whenever I see death as a possible consequence, I check to see if there might be an alternative. It turns out, in lieu of death, I can opt for exercise.
That seemed like a reasonable substitute.
So I registered with the local gym, which costs $50 per month, versus $1,000 for those weight-loss injections. It meant I’d not only save $950 each month; I’d also avoid that death option.
My wife suggested, in addition to the gym membership, I’d need to do something about my diet. She calculated that cutting out the pastries and potatoes will not only speed my weight loss, but taking into account the prices for such groceries, I’d easily be saving the cost of that gym.
Sadly, it’s not only pastries and potatoes that account for the high calories.
It’s my wife.
Statistics indicate, if you marry an Italian, the menu, along with your weight, will be significantly enhanced.
So, in an effort to assist with my weight-loss effort, my wife said she’d be eliminating certain entrees.
Like eggplant Parmesan.
She deftly slices fresh eggplant then coats them with flour, egg and breadcrumbs. Then she fries the slices in olive oil, places them in a baking pan, which she covers with tomato sauce and mozzarella, plus a sprinkling of imported Parmesan cheese.
It’s baked until bubbly.
Sadly, she’ll also be eliminating her homemade ravioli.
Thin sheets of pasta are loaded with a mixture of fresh ricotta, eggs and Parmesan, then run through the ravioli attachment on our mixer, and finally boiled along with her signature tomato sauce plus more Parmesan cheese.
Also eliminated: her fabulous lasagna.
Homemade thin sheets of dough boiled and loaded with ricotta, tomato sauce and imported porcini mushrooms before being placed in the oven.
Exclude too, her fettuccine Alfredo. Homemade noodles smothered with cream and sprinkled with imported Pecorino Romano.
In addition, Il rotolo di pasta will be no more. It’s cookbook author Marcella Hazan’s famous recipe for spinach and ricotta cheese spread over a large sheet of fresh pasta, rolled up, wrapped in cheesecloth and boiled. Then it’s cut into slices and baked with a mixture of tomato and béchamel sauces.
Instead of all those treasures, she’ll be offering salad: lettuce, tomatoes and fat-free dressing.
Maybe those injections aren’t such a terrible idea.
Erdos is a freelance humor columnist. Contact him at irverdos@aol.com.