Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Delia Cai is filling in as Prudie for Jenée Desmond-Harris while she’s on parental leave. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
I’m recovering from a short, severe illness. Over three months of sickness, I went from a BMI of 29 to a BMI of 20. It was horrible, and I am so happy to be recovered, although I still am weaker than I’d like. I was very athletic and active before, and now I can barely lift weights or run more than two miles. I’m working with my doctor to regain the muscle I lost and try to avoid gaining the fat, but I know statistically that it’s going to be very hard.
The problem is my friends, family, co-workers, and even strangers. Only the most tactless people have actually commented on it, but the difference in how people treat me now that I’m at a conventionally attractive weight is sharp and painful.
A guy I had a crush on in college who once told me he wasn’t attracted to me, asked me out when I saw him at an event. Bartenders suddenly notice me when I was invisible before. Store clerks are all over themselves to help me try on clothes. My boss’ boss who’s famously hard to please dropped by my desk to congratulate me on being “more detail-focused and disciplined at work starting in October.” October is when I was the sickest, bouncing between work and the emergency room and my weight declined the most sharply. People are generally warmer, and even my sister recently told me that even if the hospital sucked “at least you lost the weight.” I’m so sad and feel like all these people I thought I knew were judging my body the whole time. And being in public is painful, knowing that strangers were apparently acting on this, too. I want to wear a giant winter coat and stay invisible from everyone. How do I deal with this?
—Suddenly Skinny
Dear Suddenly,
People are so freaking weird about their own bodies, and they take that weirdness and spread it around onto others so they can feel slightly better about it. How disturbing it must feel to observe people in your direct orbit make their own body issues so obvious through their reaction to your drastic physical change. My advice would be to call a few of these people out on their weirdness because simply swallowing it is going to make you feel resentful and angry. If someone’s making a comment on how much you’ve “changed,” calmly ask them to elaborate. When your sister seems to mistake a hospital stay for a weight loss program, tell her off. Resign yourself a bit to the incredible shallowness of the general population, and carefully note who in your life is showing genuine concern for your health and recovery. Stick closer to those ones, and perfect a scathing eye-roll to deal with the rest.
—Delia
Classic Prudie
I found out recently that my ex-fiancé wrote an autobiography—well, it’s really a collection of stories, poems, and random thoughts. It’s self-published and sold on Amazon. In one of his stories, he states his previous relationship before he met his wife was toxic and this girl (me) disliked everything that made him, him.